The Rock Bible is an insider’s guide to living the rock ’n’ roll dream from Henry Owings. Like Moses delivering the Ten Commandments, he lays down rules for musicians, wannabe musicians, and rock fans of all ages:
Singers: 'When you feel like stage-diving, make sure the people in the front row like your music enough to catch you.'
Backstage antics: 'Couches at rock clubs have never been cleaned. Think of the crazy things that have been done on these couches, and then proceed at great personal risk.'
Lifestyle: 'If you want to die while in a famous rock band, there are four options. 1. Suicide. 2. Car or plane crash. 3. Drug overdose. 4. Murdered by a crazy relative. Just pick one and stick with it.'
Appearance: 'If you're a man, wearing make-up increases proportionately to your inability to play a musical instrument.'
Singers: 'When you feel like stage-diving, make sure the people in the front row like your music enough to catch you.'
Backstage antics: 'Couches at rock clubs have never been cleaned. Think of the crazy things that have been done on these couches, and then proceed at great personal risk.'
Lifestyle: 'If you want to die while in a famous rock band, there are four options. 1. Suicide. 2. Car or plane crash. 3. Drug overdose. 4. Murdered by a crazy relative. Just pick one and stick with it.'
Appearance: 'If you're a man, wearing make-up increases proportionately to your inability to play a musical instrument.'
The Rock Bible offers a tantalising glimpse of the authentic rock ’n’ roll life. But what's with the faux-Biblical thing? Polyphonic Spree drummer Brian Teasley explains . . . 'As I peruse the aisles of planet corporate bookstore, I realise something: every two bit hobby has a Bible . . . except for rock and roll. Until now! Now there is a new demographic disease spreading like salmonella in a bowl of frat boy barf. That's right dear reader . . . The group I refer to is you and your lousy band. It's time we punished you all for your sins and sent you on the way of the enlightened'
Variously a DJ, promoter, record producer and booking agent, Henry Owings has toured with rock bands for nearly a decade, as well as publishing Chunklet magazine, a no-holds-barred chronicle of the music industry. No surprise, then, that The Rock Bible is packed with closely observed cliché-busting wit and wisdom for the celestial life of rock 'n' roll . . .
'If you get a drumstick endorsement, don't take one of those lame promo photos acting like you're breaking the sticks in half.''No drum gloves. if you can't hold on to drumsticks, you may want to rethink the "playing" part of playing drums.''All drummers wearing headsets should be required to take a food order.'
'If you get a drumstick endorsement, don't take one of those lame promo photos acting like you're breaking the sticks in half.''No drum gloves. if you can't hold on to drumsticks, you may want to rethink the "playing" part of playing drums.''All drummers wearing headsets should be required to take a food order.'
If you're a talentless nobody playing keyboards for a lousy band, The Rock Bible is your manual! Before you fill up the airwaves with self-indulgent synth noodling, here are the rules:
'No keyboards without full-sized keys. Smaller keys are only for Christmas morning, when your parents think a mini keyboard will be your gateway to becoming an accomplished musician.'
'There's only one person who will look more ridiculous and offensive in leather pants than the lead singer: the keyboard player.'
'If you play the keyboard with one hand and the tambourine with the other, you are neither a keyboardist nor a tambourine player.'
'No keyboards without full-sized keys. Smaller keys are only for Christmas morning, when your parents think a mini keyboard will be your gateway to becoming an accomplished musician.'
'There's only one person who will look more ridiculous and offensive in leather pants than the lead singer: the keyboard player.'
'If you play the keyboard with one hand and the tambourine with the other, you are neither a keyboardist nor a tambourine player.'
No matter how talented the band, how soulful the delivery or how poetic the songwriting, it would be nothing without a devoted flock of undiscriminating die-hard fans. Here's a few guidelines for faithful followers:
'Showing up at a show three hours early to get a primo space in front of the stage is reaffirming to all those around you that you don't have a life.'
'No waiting to get an autograph for more than half an hour (although even that seems a bit too long). The band is either getting high or already back at the hotel'
'If you ask a crew member for a set list, it's best to listen to the first answer you get. Any subsequent requests will be met with an increasing insult and chance of removal from the venue.'
'Showing up at a show three hours early to get a primo space in front of the stage is reaffirming to all those around you that you don't have a life.'
'No waiting to get an autograph for more than half an hour (although even that seems a bit too long). The band is either getting high or already back at the hotel'
'If you ask a crew member for a set list, it's best to listen to the first answer you get. Any subsequent requests will be met with an increasing insult and chance of removal from the venue.'
